Thursday, July 17th, Mom Craft will be having cataract surgery.  It is a small procedure and doesn’t hurt.  The only concern I have is her age.  You see Mom is 95 years young.

For most of us, it would be a piece of cake having cataract surgery.  Both of my lenses have been replaced and my vision is now 20/15.  It used to be so bad that my glasses were thick and I felt ugly.

So please keep Mom Craft in prayer for her surgery tomorrow. 

We will be leaving around 5:30 a.m. to be in Marion, OH at 6:30-7:00.

Here is the last installment on Keeping Your Love Life Fresh.  Have you tried any of these ideas?  If you have, please comment on them.  It would be appreciated if you left comments.  Thank you.

 Okay, let’s get started on this last installment.

• Two way communication is very important in a marriage or any relationship.  In a marriage, it is mandatory.  If there is no two-way communication, how can you get a clear idea what are your spouse’s physical and emotional yearnings?  If couples do not communicate on an intimate level, love flies out the window.
• Each partner needs to pay attention to the needs of the other partner.  Lending a patient ear to each other’s words is important in keeping your relationship alive.
• Sometimes you just need space.  Giving space to each other will help your love to develop.
• There are times when you feel miles apart and wonder why you even married this individual.  There must have been something you had in common, interest or hobbies, when you were first married.  Think about your common interests, reinvent them if you need to, pursue new interests together.  The is of thrill pursuing a common interest is altogether different.  Look for the magic and begin again.
• While having discussions with each other regarding your relationship, seek suggestions for revitalizing it.  You put forward your ideas also, however, don’t force things.
• Instead of delcaring your plans, demonstrate them in action.  Kindness works wonders.
• When you succeed in keeping your promises, this will surely draw your spouse closer to you and make your spouse love you more.
• Should you get annoyed at something, do not keep your anger suppressed.  It will build inside to where some small thing happens and you explode.  Instead, go have a heart-to-heart conversation and work it out.
• At a party, set the dance floor alit.  Enjoy putting your arms around your spouse and dance the night away.  Thus you can enjoy some joyous moments together.
• One trick to more fun and closeness is to enjoy making each other laugh.  Whisper some raunchy jokes to enliven the sexual mood and learn the tricks of playing romantic bedroom games.
• On your list of priorities, keep sex in the game.  Regular sex is as important as food and sleep.  Finding your partner’s secret sexual fantasies will bring great happiness to you both.  Spending a good amount of time on several exciting and adventerous foreplay and then the sexual act brings joy to both of you.
• Arousing your spouse intellectually is necessary besides stimulating the body.
• Don’t forget to have your candles lit in the bathroom, bedroom, around the house for a nice evening home.

So, are you ready to experiment on these suggestions?  Try them. 

Since we have been married over 46 years, I thought I would jot down several ideas which might be applied in your relationship or marriage. 

• Should one of you enjoy cooking, gather in the kitchen and cook some homemade delicacies together.  Create a romantic dinner with candles, fine china settings and flowers.  Sometimes just cooking together is rewarding without the romantic dinner setting. 
• Quality time.  Haven’t we all heard that phrase.  It is real.  Spending quality time together will make your relationship stronger.  So take some time out of your busy schedule to be with each other.
• Being honest in your relationship is important.
• Being honest in your work and never neglecting your profession can be rewarding for both of you as long as you do not forget each other.  Becoming caught up in your work and neglecting your mate is one of the greatest downfalls in a marriage.
• Both of your dreams are important.  By understanding your partner’s innermost desires, whether it is personal or professional and lending a hand in your partner realizing them, will have great rewards.
• Without mutual respect, love can not sustain.  RESPECT each other.
• Two way communication is required for any relationship to grow.  Being married makes this two way communicatin mandatory.   If you don’t communicate with each other, how can you get a clear understanding of your partner’s physical and emotional yearnings?  Believe me, love flies out the window if couples do not communicate on an intimate level.  My husband and I found this out and spent 6 years bridging the rift that grew between us.
• When an argument begins and you do not want to argue, walk away.  However, do not stay away, emotionally or physically.  Remember your spouse is upset and you both need to communicate with each other.  After the temper has cooled down, take a walk, hold hands and remember some special things you admire about each other.  When or during the walk, talk out the “thing” that was bothering your spouse.  You might be surprised what truly set your spouse off wasn’t something you said or did, it might be an accumulation of “things” that others had contributed to their day and your statement or action brought it all to a head. 
• DON’T go to bed angry.  Anger builds and destroys relationships.
• Lend a patient ear to your partner even if you do not feel like it. 
• Give each other a hug and kiss throughout your evening.  These little surprises do mean a lot.  However, realize when your partner is busy with an important project.   Saying you love them, bringing them a cup of coffee or tea, touching their shoulder in passing, etc. will remind your partner that he/she is loved and you miss spending a few moments (or hours) with them.  That partner should remind himself(herself) that their partner is telling them something special.
• Respond in love.

While in the waiting room of our doctor’s office, I picked up a magazine and started reading about ways to keep love and sex alive in your marriage.  In this article several couples shared their ways of keeping their love alive in today’s environment.  I kept finding this theme in different magazines.  So I decided to write down ideas of how to keep one’s marriage alive and well in this century.

My husband I have been married for over 46 years.  We have endured our share of bumps along the way.  So how did we survive all of these bumps?  Here are a few ideas on how to keep your marriage alive and well and many of these ideas have been practiced in our home.

•  Always making the spouse feel special.  Showering compliments on her looks and sexual charm is quite rewarding for her.  Especially when she is told how beautiful she looks.
• Receiving flowers and other lovely gifts without any specific reason brings a smile to her face.  These little things make your relationship stronger.  I remember the time I opened my refrigerator to start supper and there was a bouquet of flowers in the center of the refrigerator.  When I turned around to say thanks, there stood my hubby with a big smile on his face. 
• On different occasions, we plan dates.  Yes, at our ages of 68 and 69, we still create dating times.  We were remembering our cruising days:  we went from one end of Marion, Ohio (Stewarts Root Beer Drive-in) to the other end of town (L&K Restaurant).  Our dating days were back in 1961.  So we revived them once again.  Fun.  This week (July 2, 2008) we took my husband’s mother to Stewarts Root Beer Stand for an evening meal.  Mom is 95 years old and she shared how she used to come to this same root beer stand while she was dating.
• By planning your “dates” around a picnic, don’t forget to bring candles.  Yes, lit candles on a picnic table may not seem romantic but it is.  It is something your spouse will not expect but be extremely pleased that you did.  It will bring joy and laughter.
• While walking down the trails, hold hands.  That human touch means so much.
• Taking an evening stroll around your neighborhood, walking along the riverside or strolling down a country road, reach out and take your spouse’s hand.  The rewards are great.
• Regular physical touch is necessary.  On many occasions my husband comes into my office, leans down and gives me a kiss.  This brings a smile to my face.  There are many times when I enter his office, get behind him, reach around with my arms and hug him.
• Try kissing your spouse on the cheek before leaving for the office.  When you return home, greet your spouse with a hug and a kiss.  This takes such little time but warms the heart.
• Take a bath together.  By having lit candles around the bathroom, it gives an ambience of romance.  Try having glasses of wine or soda (if you don’t drink) sitting near the bathtub; give each other a toast; massage each other with aromatic oils.  Pleasure is something we all enjoy.
• Take some time out of your busy schedule (each day) to be with each other.  That quality time you spend together will make your bond stronger. 
• When your children are young, you might not feel that you have the strength after a busy day to be romantic or you may not feel like it.  That is the time, you need that extra hug, a kiss on the cheek, a swirl around the kitchen with no music playing, to climb into the bathtub together, massage your spouse’s feet will help him/her to relax, or simply putting your arm around your spouse and encouraging her to put her head on your shoulder.  These little things mean so much to a mother who is wiped out and bring you so many new rewards.  These little pleasures bring great rewards and are more remembered than you might think.  When you are older, you may remind you of those little things that meant so much to her and most of them will only cost you time.
• Think of the ways you want to be treated by your spouse and treat your spouse even better.  Your rewards will keep growing and your benefits will improve measurably.

Yesterday, Tuesday April 1, 2008, I received a call from my sister in law. “Tobey, your mother is in the hospital in the ER. She can’t walk for her legs are giving out on her. We’ve been here about one hour and she wants you to know about it.” Boy, did my heart sink.

I asked Nancy (sister in law) to explain what happened. It seems that my mother (Martha Kerns) began shaking and chilling sometime Monday afternoon and climbed into bed. Earlier that day she had refused her Meals on Wheels lunch and he reported it to the Lutheran Manor office that Mrs. Kerns refused her meal. Debbie, the resident manager, entered Mom’s room sometime in the afternoon and found her in bed. Debbie asked Mom if she could call Nancy and Jim or even call the squad for Mom. Debbie told Mom that she didn’t look good.

My mother is so stubborn! She refused any type of assistance. “I’ll be fine. All I need to do is sleep. Nancy and Jim have to get up at 3:30 a.m. to go to work. Don’t call them.” So Debbie left with a sinking feeling in her heart.

Mom slept all afternoon and when she woke up she couldn’t move her legs. She needed to go to the bathroom. The poor dear had to eliminate in her bed, didn’t have the phone near her and the pull cord was draped over her dresser which is 5 feet away.

Debbie came into the office early and decided to check on Mom as her first priority.  She used her pass key and opened Mom’s apartment door, went to check on Mom and found mt Mom lying in the same place in the bed.  She helped Mom sit up, reached over to the night stand and called Nancy’s cell phone.  Nancy had gone to the library and was on her way to pick up Mom for her doctor appointment.  Imagine Nancy’s surprise with that phone call. 

My sister in law has taken care of Mom for the past 5 years:  doctor appointments, picking up her medication, purchasing her groceries each week, cleaning her apartment, changing her bedding and taking Mom’s laundry home each week.

Nancy and Mom had a “discussion” about calling the squad. Mom refused to go to the hospital, refused to leave her apartment, etc. When Nancy got firm with her, Mom stated she would not leave her apartment until she was cleaned up - don’t blame her at all.

Nancy (God bless her heart) got a towel and placed it behind Mom and began the long procedure of cleaning Mom up and placing all of Mom’s clothing in bags.

After calling the squad, she called my brother, Jim, and told him what was going on.  He works for the county.  He met Mom, the squad and Nancy at Mary Rutan Hospital.  In the hospital ER the nurses tried to get Mom to walk to no avail.  No one could understand why she couldn’t use her legs.  It seemed like they were incapable of holding her up. 

After many tests, it was determined that Mom had a severe kidney infection.  No one checked the skin on Mom’s legs.

In the same time period, my husband and I had 5 items on our agenda. I was receiving over $6,000 worth of medication sometime during the day, we had planned to eat out with our senior group from church, needed to take our car back to the dealership which they had repaired just 3 days ago and was having the same problems again, my husband had his yearly heart check up at the heart specialist and we couldn’t miss this appointment and I needed to take our granddaughter to her driving lesson. We were able to find someone to do most of the above list.

My neighbor, bless her heart, watches a tiny baby and 2 other children plus her own son - agreed to look out for my medication and take it into her home.

Oh yes, there were at least 6 phone calls to make prior to our leaving. I come from a family of 8 children and we all live in different parts of Ohio and one in Virginia.

We drove from the heart specialist in Northern Columbus, OH to Bellefontaine, OH, picked up my youngest sibling, Michael, and visited Mom for several hours at Mary Rutan Hospital.

Upon arriving at the hospital, my husband didn’t recognize my mother. Her face was so swollen, red and blotchy and she was asleep. The nurse woke her up for us. When she came awake, she could open her left eye a litle and her right eye refused to open. After what seemed like an eternity, she opened her left eye.

After a few moments, I lifted the bedding off her right leg, pulled the sheet back and got a shock. Her right leg from her knee down, was so swollen and red and there were two streaks of red running upward onto her inner and outer thigh. There was a grey thing on the side of her calf with an area at the top that looked like seepage and it was about 4 inches long.  What in the world was this thing on Mom’s leg?   Funny, no one else seemed to have noticed it. 

Mom had been given a bag of cipro for her kidneys and another very strong antibiotic for whatever else is going on with her.  After mentioning this area of her leg, the nurse took a good look at it and stated she needed to call the doctor on call.  When he took one look, he stated that Mom had an ulceration on her leg and thanked me for finding it. 

Today (Wednesday April 2) she will be tested for a blood clot in her leg. 

During my visit, Mom looked at me and said, “what about my mattress?” I told her Jim and Nancy threw it out. We would need to buy a new mattress and bedding when she got home.  She wasn’t too happy about that.  At least her sense of humor took over.  She gave a little laugh, shook her head and stated, “at least I have the money for a new mattress.  Goodness, that mattress was only a year old.” 

Mom has always had to count her pennies for everything throughout her life.  Having some money in the checking account made her feel like a millionaire.

My sister and nephew came up around 6 p.m. and stayed until after 8 p.m. I still need to call our oldest sister in Virginia and let her know about Mom.

We will be traveling back and forth to Bellefontaine, OH (an hour and twenty minutes each way) until we know Mom is out of danger and then go every other day. The price of gas and meals out will be blessed by God.

However, the we turned into me.  My husband, Larry, became ill and didn’t want to be around Mom in case he could give her another illness and she had enough on her plate.

I began traveling to and from Bellefontaine on a daily basis.  I missed one day because my husband was running a high fever.  Mom was in the hospital getting good care and many family members were visiting her.

One never leaves their mother alone. We still believe in family.

Respectfully submitted:

Tobey Anne Craft

 Mom has been a Christian for so many years I lose count and she talks with God daily. She has been our family prayer warrior for she prays daily for her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and great-great grandchildren. Oh yes, Mom is 94 years young.

Mom became ill with pneumonia on Dec. 19, 2007. While in the hospital, she got MRSA. After many days on antibiotics, her desire to eat became less and less for her food just didn’t taste good. She began to lose some weight.

On New Year’s Eve Mom was sent to Heartland to begin her step down program. She was exercised daily in order for her to gain strength to live on her own once again. After one week she suffered a heart attack and was sent back to the hospital to begin another journey.

Mom was so bad that we thought she was going to die and so did her doctors. This time was we knew it was different. She was sent there to die. Her chart read DO NOT RESUSITATE, COMFORT CARE ONLY. Mom’s heart was working at 30% and her kidneys were functioning at 15%. Everything seemed to be shutting down.

After much discussion with the social services director at Heartland, we asked what it would take to continue Mom on Medicare - EXERCISE was her answer. How does someone who is dying exercise? Mom was started on her exercise program that day and the nurses helped her move her arms up and over her chest. She repeated it twice. This wore her out.

Although Mom slept many hours of the day, she began the road of recovery. The nurses helped her in and out of bed, onto the portable pot, back into bed. More exercising was encouraged. When she began to complain we knew Mom we getting better - slowly but surely.

Dawn, her daughter, had hip replacement surgery a few weeks ago. For her recovery time, she spent it at Heartland two doors down from Mom. Dawn and Mom ate lunch and dinner together; were able to exercise about the same time; and Mom began to move around on her own for she wanted to check on her daughter. She was using a walking wheelchair. She was able to use her legs and make that wheelchair go where she wanted it to go.

Mom has become spoiled. The nurses had washed her up since Dec. 19, 2007. What a surprise when she was given a basin of warm water and told to wash herself. She got angry. What did they mean, wash up on your own. She’s getting better. She’s complaining.

About five weeks ago, Mom was able to walk with her walker (a nurse by her side) from her room to the exercise room and back. Mom’s arms and legs are back to normal. Her weight has dropped down to 118# - a 30# loss. Mom states she feels better with less weight. Her appetite has returned. She is eating the food prepared by Heartland. Of course, she still makes multiple requests of her family.

An example: She has used Pepsodent toothpaste for many years. When she had sent Dawn to buy her a tube of Pepsodent Toothpaste, she found out it wasn’t sold anymore. She complained so much to anyone who would listen that I went on the internet and found her Pepsodent toothpaste and ordered 6 huge tubes of toothpaste. That should last her for awhile.

This past Friday Mom walked from her room to the exercise room; exercised 30 minutes; walked on down the hall about 50 feet and walked all the way back to her room using her walker. At this point in time, we do not know whether her heart has repaired itself to be at a higher percentage of usage but we do know her kidneys have repaired themselves.

Yesterday, Sunday March 30th 2008, all of her immediate family helped Mom celebrate her 95th birthday. As many of her grandchildren were present and several of her great grandchildren came to share in the excitement of Grandma’s birthday. The expression on Mom’s face was worth it all. Her eyes were filled with tears as she took in each and every individual. She just held out her arms for each person and when one hesitated, she called them by name. Come, give me a hug.

Each family had their picture taken with Mom. We invited several of her “old” friends and they spent an hour chitchatting as we women do.

This is a miracle in the making. Mom had stated in January that God had forgotten her for she was praying to die. God had NOT forsaken Mom. He knew what was best and He will take her home in His time, not hers.

What a joy! God cares so much for all of us. Some of us are taken immediately, others still have work to do and He doesn’t care what we look like, how old we are, how frail or anything like what we humans look at, He looks at our heart; He alone picks the time for us to come home. He still has much for Mom to do. She had another great great grandchild come into this world last week and she was able to hold and cuddle this baby this past Saturday. She has another child to pray for.

Respectfully submitted,
Tobey Anne Craft

I had left a long tribute to my mother in law on this website awhile ago. Wanted to update you on her “recovery”.

I am so thankful to have Mom as my mother in law. She is a strong willed, spiritual, stubborn woman. Because of her having pneumonia starting Dec. 19, 2007, coming down with MRSA at the hospital, fighting both diseases at the same time caused her to not be hungry. Thus she began a downward spiral. When she was well enough to go to a step down program, she was there a week and had a heart attack.

Back to the hospital for 10 days and to the step down program once again. This time with DO NOT RESUCITATE, COMFORT CARE ONLY. Whew. That was scary.

We kids talked and decided that the doctors were wrong. If Mom could take some exercise then she should be given it. Her exercise program began with little steps - swinging of her arms, lifting of her legs - and this exercise wore her out big time.

The second week at the step down program, she was so bad physically that we slept with the cell phones on our bedhead thinking there would be a call during the night. PTL there wasn’t one.

On February 21, 2008, I was glad to report that Mom had eaten her first protein in over 9 weeks. She ate 3 good bites of chicken - chewed them up and swallowed them. She ate the first salad two days ago. She has taken 7 steps (helped by a nurse) from her wheel chair to the door and couldn’t make it back. But she did take 7 steps.   Our bodies need protein in order to create new cells, including those in our brain.  Mom’s protein level was extremely low.  So it is exciting that she is now eating some protein.

On our last two visits Mom asked where the cards were. It took me a moment to find a deck of cards. We played a game euchre and one game of pinochle. Today my husband is there with his Mom and they are playing gin rummy. Her mind isn’t as strong as it was and she wants to play cards in order to strengthen it.

I would not have believed this miracle if I didn’t see it with my own eyes. When she was sent to the step down program at Heartland, the doctor sent her there to die. She is living proof that God is still in charge of our lives.

Thanks for your prayers.

Respectfully,
Tobey Anne Craft

 Yesterday I had the opportunity of having lunch at a diner located on Route 23 N.   It was raining and cold outside. We rushed into the diner and looked for a seat. The place was full except for this one booth. My husband and I were seated behind a grissly looking man with matted hair.  I didn’t look closely at him, just in passing.

My husband and I ordered our food, ate it, sat there talking and then I began to really take notice of the man sitting in front of me. Suddenly I realized that he was either a homeless man or a very unclean man. As he scratched his head, I wondered if he had lice and had any of them jumped onto my husband.

Sitting there I began to see him through different eyes. I began to wonder what happened in his life that caused him to become homeless. Was it drink, drugs, out of work, fired from a good job, did he lose his home - all of these thoughts and more were going through my mind.

As my husband was standing in line to pay for our bill, the thought went through my mind that I should offer to pay for his bill in case he didn’t have enough money to pay for it.

I signalled for the waitress to meet me at the counter. I leaned over and quietly asked her if this man had enough money to pay for his lunch. Her reply, “You don’t need to pay for it. You see our manager allows him to come in and have one good meal a week. Thank you for your kindness.  We probably should make him leave for he has been here for quite awhile.”   As we talked about how chilly and damp it was outside, one of the waitresses  went over and refilled his cup of coffee.  He knew I was talking about him for he looked over at me and his eyes were filled with sadness, weariness and kindness.

I sat at the counter and began to be thankful for all that we have and for my husband being able to retire on a good income. We have so much to be thankful for and this man has nothing except the kindness of strangers. 

Perhaps one day he will return to his rightful place in society, working, living in a home, perhaps get married and have children, but for right now he was in the right place at the right time for he helped me change my way of thinking by just being there.  

How I chose to look at another human being is up to me: I can look with disgust or look with compassion.

 Tobey Anne Craft

http://www.tobeyscandles.com

Planning a funeral is never easy, especially when someone you love dies.  Planning a funeral while the individual is still alive is another thing.   My suggestion would be to plan their funeral while they are still alive so they can answer some of your questions, help decide what they would like to have, etc.

Let me explain.  Mom Craft is still living, 94 yrs young, heart: 30%;  kidneys: 13-15%; body fat: very low protein level which is way below level; very sharp minded; great spirit; poor body.

 Dawn, my husband and I had talked with Mom about funeral arrangements while she was still very healthy, living on her own and giving us instructions for what she would like to have when she died.  We were advised this week that we should think about planning her funeral and getting it paid for prior to her needing Medicaid to live out the rest of her life.  Thus began a journey of love.

Using these instructions as our guide, we planned her funeral yesterday.  We went to the “FAMILY” funeral home (family because The Craft, the Lowery, Cooperider, Wixtead, and Gorenflo have used the same funeral home for the past 30 years), sat down and began a long, frightning journey through books, etc. to find the right casket for Mom.

 What a journey!   After pouring over 2 books of caskets, we finally agreed upon one that we felt “looked” like Mom.  She is such a sweet woman, kind, generous, loving, tender hearted that her casket had to the “right” one.

Afterwards we started figuring out the funeral service.  They gave us two options - both terribly expensive.  Adding all the costs together, I saw the funeral director add another figure to the bottom with nothing written beside it.  I asked him what that amount was for. His reply, “taxes”.   Yep, the state gets their portion of burial.

After all the paperwork was filled out with our requests, copies made for each of us, it became time for Larry to write the check.  I noticed his hands were shaking.  It was so hard for him to finish this journey with this writing of a check. 

Prayerfully we won’t need to exercise these arrangements for quite awhile.  Each of us sees Mom in so much pain that we would like to have it over for her.  Only she knows when it is time and God will help her through it.

In the meantime, we are there for her.  Simply put, we love her.  Her dreams, goals and blessings goes out to all of her family.  She has always been our prayer warrior and now it is our turn to take up the prayer warrior title and pray for each member of our family.  Many of our family has been saved because of her prayers.

Tobey Anne Craft

http://www.tobeyscandles.com

(more…)

I apologize for not writing more about Mom in the last few days.  It has been a roller coaster of emotions, dreams, goals, watching and waiting to see if Mom will get better or worse.

For three days Mom showed signs of getting better.  By that I mean she was dressed, sitting up in a wheelchair, reaching for a glass of water and making it to her mouth, eating a few more bites of food than before, stating she would rather do it herself, watching her soap operas (she has not watched any TV in the past 6 weeks), desiring for us to push her around the facility in her wheelchair.

All-in-all, she exhibited signs of getting better.

Yesterday was different.  You would have to know Mom to know how independent, private and understanding a person she truly is.  Dawn, my sister-in-law, was watching television with Mom (for it was Mom’s soap opera time) when she looked over and Mom’s head was resting on the little table in front of her.  Dawn asked her if she was okay and Mom’s response went something like this, “you don’t even want to know how I feel.”

Her granddaughter, Beth and her hubby, Darin, brought their two children (Sidney and Colin) up to see Grandma.  Grandma just beamed at seeing the great grandchildren.  Since she is nearly deaf, she couldn’t understand all that was being said, however, those grandbabies made a difference in her attitude.  Sidney (girl) named after her Grandpa (Mom’s hubby) is such a blessing to Grandma.  We know that Mom loves all of her grandbabies, great grandbabies and great, great grandbabies.  There is just one child that strikes your fancy a little more than the others and for Mom, that is Sidney.

Later that evening, Dawn saw that Mom was getting tired and asked Mom if she would like to take off her housecoat and get ready for bed.  The nurse, who was helping Mom, stated Mom had nothing on underneath her housecoast.  (That is NOT Mom.) 

So we have our up days and our down days.  How much longer before Mom goes home to Jesus?  No one knows but God.

We are thanking Him for each day of her life and for all of the blessings she has brought into ours.

Tobey Anne Craft

tcraft@tobeyscandles.com